I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
