at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
