The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
