so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
