saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
