I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
