come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
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