I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
