I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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