i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
