Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
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Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
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I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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