I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
