splinters make it hard to masturbate
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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