Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
