From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
