and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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