I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
