I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
