All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
