He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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