mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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