her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
