Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
sarcasm needs its own font
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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