yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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