I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
This toilet bowl is my home.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
