Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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