Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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