I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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