I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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