JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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