I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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