Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
