I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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