i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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