the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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