I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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