when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
