I checked into jail on foursquare
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
