I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
