Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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