I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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