she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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