Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
