Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
