If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
