today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
