I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
