It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
