I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My dick has a subreddit
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
