You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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