yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
