i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
