The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
