It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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